


Bless Me Now with Your Fierce Tears (Do Not Go Gentle)

by WeWalkADifferentPath



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Confessions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feels, Fluff, Insecure Magnus Bane, Inspired by Poetry, Love, M/M, Malec, Post-Episode: s01e12 Malec, Relationship(s), real talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-27
Updated: 2017-05-27
Packaged: 2018-11-05 16:14:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11016954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeWalkADifferentPath/pseuds/WeWalkADifferentPath
Summary: After their I-love-you's, Alec wants to talk, and Magnus is uncertain. Set a couple of hours after Episode 2x10.Based on the poem "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Goodnight" by Dylan Thomas.





	Bless Me Now with Your Fierce Tears (Do Not Go Gentle)

**Author's Note:**

> This is based around the poem it's named after, and the italicized lines are quotes directly from the poem. The second last line is also paraphrased from it. I take no credit for the poetry, and I'd encourage anyone to read it if they're interested, although you definitely don't have to for the purposes of this fic. The one I looked at was here: http://www.rjgeib.com/thoughts/proud/proud1.html
> 
> Feel free to leave comments :) Catch me at my blog info below.

“Like I said, we need to talk.”

Magnus's heart clenched as he spun to face his boyfriend, the door to his loft clicking shut softly behind him. 

_Do not go gentle into that good night._

“Yes of course, my love, what about?”

Alec's brow furrowed, and Magnus avoided his intent gaze. Inexplicably, his heart was racing, and he knew that the sight of Alec's soft green eyes might just push him over the edge.

“I need to apologize. For a couple of things, actually.” 

“No need, Alexander” Magnus said, more tightly than he'd intended. He attempted his best smile, whirling a hand to summon a drink for himself.

_Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight_

Alec looked confused. “You don't even know what-”

Magnus snapped his fingers again, and a drink appeared in Alec's outstretched hand. Alec's eyebrows jumped but he didn't flinch, and Magnus tried not to let his heart falter at the realization that this was something that Alec was _used_ to. 

_Magnus_ was something that Alec was used to. Was comfortable with. And now… 

_And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way_

“Darling, whatever it is, I'm sure it's fine. Let's just enjoy tonight, shall we?” He lowered his voice, letting his gaze linger over Alec in a way that usually had the Shadowhunter blushing to the tips of his ears. 

But instead, Alec's expression darkened. “What's wrong, Mags?”

Magnus was taken aback. “What?” 

Alec took a step closer, reaching out to grab Magnus's waist, and Magnus couldn't help it- he flinched. 

Hurt flashed in Alec's eyes, and he dropped his hands, but not his soft stare. “Please tell me what's wrong.” 

Magnus forced out a chuckle. What wasn't wrong? 

_Though wise men at their end know dark is right_

“Nothing, my dear. I'm just a little shaken up from today, is all. But I don't want to let that get in the way of our night alone together.” 

Magnus hoped that bringing up their time off might convince Alec to slow down. After all, it was the first time they'd been alone together for more than a few minutes since everything had happened. 

Which is why Alec was picking now, to tell Magnus that he made a mistake. 

Magnus knew- had known- since the moment Alec had told him that they needed to talk. It had been a few hours after their tearful reunion; the one where Alec had... said certain things, that Magnus had said back. 

They'd both been running around all night, fixing problems and healing people and generally living up to their positions. And when Alec had seen Magnus again, that was the first thing he'd said. We need to talk. 

Like Magnus didn't know what that meant. Hadn't heard it, a thousand other times before. 

Alec shook his head, slowly. “No” he said, matter-of-factly. “That's not it.” 

Magnus turned away from him, heart pounding. What could he say? I don't want you to leave me just yet? I want to feel loved for just a little longer? Yeah, right. 

Why was Alec bothering, anyways? He was just rubbing salt in the wound. Surely Alec wasn't this cruel. 

“You're avoiding something, Mags. I know you. Please tell me.” 

Why do you care?! Magnus wanted to shout. But he didn't. 

Instead, he whispered it. 

Alec flinched, and Magnus's heart chipped a little. This wasn't what he wanted. 

_Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay_

“Mags” Alec breathed, looking thoroughly thrown off balance. “What- why would you ask me that?” 

Magnus took a hasty gulp of his drink before banishing it to the kitchen, steeling himself. 

“I know why-” he started, and then promptly lost his nerve. His shoulders heaved inward, and Alec moved as if to support his weight or wrap him in a hug. But then he seemed to falter, as if unsure whether or not he was allowed to. 

Magnus smirked to himself. The irony: his Shadowhunter had always been hesitant. 

Alec seemed to read something in Magnus's expression and determinedly moved forward, pulling Magnus tightly to his chest. 

And Magnus wanted to believe- wanted to feel like everything was okay. 

_Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay_

But he knew why Alec was here. 

“It's okay if you regret it, Alec” Magnus murmered into Alec's shoulder, his voice cracking. 

And it was true, sort of. 

Well, it wasn't _okay._ Wouldn't be okay for a long time, Magnus was sure. But he wouldn't hold it against Alec; that wouldn't be fair. 

Magnus had known all along, had been prepared to lose Alec from the start. It wasn't Alec's fault that he had started to fall, started to believe, started to hope for more than he could get. 

And now it was coming to an end. 

“Regret what?” Alec asked from above Magnus's head. 

“I mean, it was the heat of the moment, it's not like I thought it was actually real-”

“Regret what, Magnus?” 

Magnus shuddered, pulling back sharply to break out of Alec's arms. Best to get this over with sooner rather than later, right? And then Alec could leave, and Magnus could go back to the quiet comfort of his loft, alone- 

Alone. Always alone. 

“Don't make me say it.” 

“Say what?” This time Alec's voice came out sharper, firmer, and Magnus felt his resolve crack. 

“That you're done with me!” Magic flashed from his fingertips, sudden and bright, hitting something in the room behind him and tossing it to the floor. Somewhere deep within his pain, Magnus felt himself crawl deeper inside his own heart, even as he lost control. 

_Do not go gently…_

“That's what you're here for, right? To tell me that you regret it, that you didn't mean it, that saying that you- saying what you did was a mistake?” 

“Magnus, no, I-”

“Don't lie to me.” Magnus knew his voice was ice, cold and brittle, but he couldn't help it. The magic surged again, one last push, lighting something in the room on fire as Magnus quietly exhaled. 

_Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight_

The room was filled with smoke. Dimly, Magnus realized it was from his magic. But he took the opportunity, turning to leave while Alec couldn't see his tears. He closed the door to the loft behind him, and headed for the only place he could think of. 

\--- 

Magnus stared out over Brooklyn below him, shivering. This is what my life has become, he thought ruefully. 

Well actually, he supposed, this is what his life had always been. Hadn't it? 

This was the kind of man that Magnus was. 

The kind of man who stands on his goddamn _roof,_ while his ex- or not quite ex, since Alec technically hadn't actually said anything yet- stands inside his home. Warm. 

Magnus shivered again, stubbornly refusing to use his magic to warm himself up. 

The cold was... soothing, in a way. An old friend. 

For as long as he'd been alive, through all of the things he'd felt and _hadn't_ felt, the cold was always there. The cold _demanded_ to be felt. 

And as cheesy as that may be, it was also comforting, and Magnus was a wise enough man to know to take comfort where he could get it. 

_And you, my father, there on the sad height_

“Magnus.” 

_Shit._

“Why did you follow me?” Magnus asked, as he fought the way that his stomach felt cold at the sound of Alec's voice. “I know that you're a man of honour Alec, but really, it's a tad inappropriate to be the one to come to my rescue this time, don't you think?” 

“Magnus. Stop.” 

Magnus flinched, but didn't turn. He just continued to stare, out at the horizon. 

But then Alec was beside him. “Mags, you must be freezing.” 

Magnus spared a moment to wonder how Alec could have known that he wouldn't use magic to warm himself. But he knew the answer. It was the same reason that Alec hadn’t been afraid, before, when Magnus was causing chaos in his loft with his magic. 

It wasn't an answer he wanted to think about, not anymore. 

Magnus felt warmth suddenly engulf him, and realized that Alec had taken his jacket off and was laying it gently over his shoulders. His heart flipped, and he found himself looking up, as if not of his own volition, into Alec's hazel eyes. 

Alec's eyes were soft, so soft. Magus wasn't sure whether to snap at him that he didn't need his pity, or cry because maybe he did. 

_Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears_

“I think I've made some awful mistakes.” Alec's voice was small, and Magnus marvelled, even in this state, at how someone as physically large as Alec could make himself seem so much the opposite. 

“Yes, that was quite the point, wasn't it?” Magnus's fingers clenched, but it was half-hearted. He was too exhausted to be tense anymore. 

He was _tired._ Tired of fighting, and tired of losing. 

“But I need you to know that you're not one of them.” 

Alec's voice was firm, and his gaze was steady, and Magnus felt suddenly dizzy. “What?”

“I'm not done with you, Mags. I never could be. Not unless-” Alec looked suddenly shy, and Magnus wanted to touch his cheek, but didn't- “not unless you were done with me. Are done. With me.”

The last part came out like a question, and Alec was shaking, and Magnus was confused. 

Instinctively, he shook his head, wanting to reassure Alec even when he himself was unsteady. 

“If you weren't breaking up with me... then you _were_ apologizing for saying that you loved me.”

Alec stared at him, hard. Magnus felt himself squirm under the gaze. Without his jacket, Alec was only wearing a navy blue t-shirt with his jeans, and goosebumps were crawling up his arms. 

“Yes. That was- that was part one of the apology.” 

_Because their words had forked no lightning_

“But only because I was- I am- sorry for springing it on you like that. Magnus, I- by the Angel. I had just finished yelling at you over Raphael and Izzy, treating you so unfairly, and then to say that... I didn't want you to feel as though you had to say it back, even if you might not mean it.” 

Magnus felt the world stop moving. He didn't- Alec thought that _Magnus_ hadn't meant it? 

As if that were possible. As if that was _ever_ an option. 

“Wait-”

Alec moved swiftly, coming to stand closer, so close, _too_ close, choking off Magnus's words. 

“I meant what I said, Magnus.” Alec was inches away now, his dark hair mussed, his eyes wide, and Magnus both saw and felt his breath in the air. Magnus held his own. 

“I love you. I- I have, for a while. I’m just sorry that I didn't say it sooner.” 

And suddenly Alec's lips were on his. Fire blazed through Magnus's veins, crackling under his skin, white hot and too good and-

They broke apart, panting. Magnus looked up at Alec, searching his face for any signs of dishonesty. “So you don't... regret it?”

Alec's voice was surer than he'd ever heard it when he spoke. “Never.”

And that was it. Magnus felt himself shatter, and he surged forward, unable to keep his balance. He fell, and Alec caught him, and if that wasn't a metaphor, Magnus didn't know what was. 

“Easy there” Alec chuckled, but it sounded forced. Nervous. Magnus felt a pit of guilt begin to form in his stomach. 

Alec had never intended to break up with him. Alec had loved him. Did love him. 

And Magnus had ruined it. 

But he wouldn't ruin it anymore- he would fix this, now. 

_Old age should burn and rave at close of day_

“I'm sorry. I- I feel the same way.” 

Magnus cursed himself. Why was he unable to say it? He'd had no problem the first time. 

Any deity knew that Magnus meant it. Had meant it, from the second Alec had offered to clean his couch so that he could rest his magic. 

But Alec didn't seem bothered by the vagueness of Magnus's admission. He ducked his head to meet Magnus's eye.

“No, no, don't be. I'm the one who's sorry. I-I didn't tell you part two, of the apology.” 

Magnus felt his heart rate double automatically, but forced himself to breath. He'd gotten it wrong the first time, and this time would be different. 

This time he'd keep his hope. 

Magnus snapped his fingers, summoning his sofa from within his loft and a couple of warm blankets, which he wrapped around them both. 

Alec paused, looking only mildly unsettled at finding himself suddenly seated on a couch. He chuckled again- softly, devastating in its beauty, as Alec always was when he let himself feel- and Magnus felt a surge of fondness rise up in his chest. 

“The second part is that-” Alec paused again, considering. He reached out for Magnus's hand. “That I'm sorry, for never telling you everything that you mean to me.” 

“Darling” this time Magnus did reach out for Alec's cheek. Alec leaned into it, warm on Magnus’s palm. “I didn't need you to say it sooner- I'm sorry if I made you feel like I wasn't okay with how things were. But I haven't needed you to say anything more than you have.”

Alec frowned. “No, I think that you just haven't _asked_ me to say anything. But that doesn't mean that you didn't need it. Everyone needs to be told how loved they are. I'm realizing that, now.” 

Magnus's heart was so light, too light, after the rocky emotions he'd felt earlier. He wondered if an immortal could die of this kind of emotional roller coaster. 

Alec's eyes were filled with regret and guilt, and Magnus squeezed his arm. 

He smiled softly. “Perhaps you're right, Alexander.” 

_Rage, rage against the dying of the light_

“I just hadn't considered that you might need the kind of reassurance that I- that I've always needed.” Alec looked so young. 

He _was_ so young, Magnus realized. 

“I thought you were immune to insecurities, somehow. And I know that's ridiculous-” Alec rushed to clarify, his cheeks bright red- “but you have to understand, Magnus. How you… how you seem, to me. How you are.” 

Magnus shook his head gently, tilting Alec's face toward his. “What do you mean?” 

Alec huffed out an exhale, clearly steeling his resolve. “I know that I don't tell you enough, but I don't just love you, Magnus. I also really, really like you.” 

Magnus fought off the urge to say something sarcastic or flippant, like 'I should hope so.' Because that wasn't what he wanted to say. 

What he wanted to say was far more than he knew how to say, in one sentence or two. Possibly more than he could say in a lifetime. If he was given one to work with. 

“And I don't think I've ever met anyone else in my life that I've respected or admired more, except for maybe my siblings.” Alec's lip quirked up. “I think you're wonderful, Magnus, and more than that, I think- I _know_ \- that you're good. Oh god, you're so, so good, that sometimes I still think I must be dreaming you.” 

Magnus wanted to cry. Wanted to kiss Alec again, wanted to say something meaningful, wanted to say a thousand things but what came out was “I broke the chandelier, earlier. With my magic.” 

Alec nodded solemnly, but he couldn't fight back a grin. “Indeed you did.” 

And then, clearly picking up on what Magnus had actually been trying to say, Alec hummed. He pulled Magnus's hands up to his chest and held them tightly. 

“Your magic is part of what makes you good. You must know that. Think about how many people you've saved, just in the time we've known each other.” 

Magnus quirked an eyebrow even as his eyes started to glisten. “That's my job, Alexander.”

Alec's face lit up a little, his eyes blazing. “I know, but it's not like it's a job that you had to take. It's one that you signed up for. And work hard for. Because you _care,_ Magnus. You care about people more than anyone I've ever met, even though you have every right not to.” 

“Alexander, you clearly also care-”

Alec cut him off, putting a finger in the air near Magnus's lips in a gesture that rivalled the one Magnus had used with him, not all that long ago. Magnus suddenly felt more than a little self-conscious. 

He was usually the one in control. The one who dished out the compliments, who made Alec blush, the one who-

“Let me finish.” Alec's voice cut off his whirring thoughts, and Magnus pulled himself back. 

“You're good, Magnus, and it kills me that no one seems to notice just how good. Including me, I think, until recently. But I want to fix that. I'm tired of feeling too embarrassed, too unworthy, too _whatever_ to let myself love you. I want to shower you in praise. I want to tell you that you're smart- so incredibly, sexily smart- and funny, and joyful, and quirky and lovely and beautiful and unique and kind and patient and everything that I've ever wanted. 

I want you. But I want to deserve you, Mags.” 

Alec's hand lifted up, using the edge of one of the blankets to wipe tears off of Magnus's face that he hadn't even realized he was crying. 

“You do- oh, you do deserve me, Alexander. You deserve whatever it is you want. Forever.” 

Alec smiled, his little sideways grin that he reserved just for Magnus. “You do, too.”

They were silent for a time, just breathing, watching the city below them. 

“Do you forgive me?” Alec broke the silence in barely more than a whisper. 

Magnus didn't have to consider. “Yes. Yes, of course. Do you-”

“Of course.”

There was quiet again, the comfortable kind, as Alec shifted himself to look Magnus right in the eye. “I love you, Mags. But I want you to know that you don't have to say it back- not if you don't want to yet.” 

This time, Magnus considered.

He'd had his heart broken more times than he could count. More times that he was certain a human heart could have survived. 

He'd loved too soon, been too much, pushed people away with his _need._

And every time he'd uttered those words to someone, in his centuries of life, it had ended in disaster. It had to have, by very virtue of the fact that he was here, starting over again. 

But he wanted to fight, didn't he? 

_Do not go gentle..._

“Yes” Magnus said, deciding in his mind as he spoke. “Or rather, no. Or- I just- I love you too, Alexander.”

Alec’s whole face lit up, and he leaned in to kiss Magnus gently on the forehead.

“Remember what you said to me that day on your balcony?” he whispered, and bit his lip. “We’ll always have challenges. But you can’t push me away, okay?”

His eyes were earnest as he stared at Magnus. “ I know that I need to deserve you, but you also need to let me in. To _let_ me love you. Please.”

Magnus closed his eyes as he let Alec’s words sink in. That _was_ the crux of the matter, wasn’t it? 

It had never been the loving part that Magnus had trouble with- unless you count loving too much and too easily, perhaps- it was the being loved. 

His first instinct tonight had been that Alec wanted to tell him he’d made a mistake. Why? 

Perhaps it was partially because Alec was right; the Shadowhunter didn’t often make his affections clear. But maybe some of that was down to Magnus, too. He’d been afraid to ask for what he needed, to admit when he needed reassurance. 

For almost a century Magnus had protected his heart by fighting. With words, with walls, with coldness or flippancy or fear. _Do not go gentle…_

But perhaps it was time for a different type of fighting, now. Perhaps this fight was one they could do together. A fight to free himself from fear. Because he wanted this. He wanted Alexander. And he wanted to be wanted. 

He deserved to be wanted, didn’t he? 

_Do not go gentle…_

“Yes” Magnus said softly, almost to himself. “I want that.” 

Alec's returning smile was _brighter_ than the sun in flight, and Magnus knew that one day- sooner or later- he would grieve it. 

But until that day, he planned to fight for it.

**Author's Note:**

> So, yeah. This was me being a little self-indulgent, giving Magnus the chance to be insecure in a way that hits close to home. I've also realized that a lot of the fanfic about Alec showing his love is really just him accepting Magnus as a Downworlder, but not necessarily going much beyond that. So, here's what came out. 
> 
> Hit me up at wewalkadifferentpath.tumblr.com if you wanna chat Malec.


End file.
